On Sunday I interviewed Tyler for an upcoming Karis video. He talked a lot about family and how he loves all the kids in his Missional Community. It was an emotional interview for both of us. This guy is just a huge encouragement to my heart. I have been thinking on these things for a while and I cannot recall the last time I wrote on this thing. Our interview today inspired me to jot these thoughts down.
It had to have been over a year ago now, but there was a night my wife and I watched Amos Eads so Tyler and Stephanie could go on a date. They had one of those baby monitors that has a little webcam type thing. A while into the night Amos woke up and I could see on the monitor that he was standing in his crib and crying. His parents had informed us that we could let him cry, if need be, and that he would go to sleep. Then I made a huge mistake. I turned the volume up and heard the most desperate cry for “Mommy”. My heart melted and I became an immediate sucker. I walked in. He was super confused. I most certainly was not his mother but I also wasn’t his dad. Nonetheless I picked him up and said “its ok buddy” and he laid his head into my shoulder. You know, that type of toddler cuddle that gives ya all the feels. Seriously though, for a very small moment in time, I was given a tiny tiny glimpse at feeling like a dad. I knew in that moment I would run into a burning building to rescue this kid. Not just because of the cute cuddles, but because his dad and mom are my brother and sister in Christ. I love this little guy. I love his parents too.
I had a lot of thoughts and emotions that night. I really really want to be a dad. Rachel really wants to be a mom. There are a lot of unanswered questions around this for both of us, but the point is, we have been walking through a painful many years of learning how to trust God with these things. A huge part of that has been realizing that He has given us a ton of kids. They all go to Karis and were born from other people but we love them as if they were ours.
Another thought hit me that night though. No matter what, I could never, for all of eternity, love Amos the way Tyler does. It just isn’t reachable. There are so many kids in my church family that I would give my life for without hesitation, like, literally every kid. But while my love may be strong, its just different.
This is the way it is with God and His children. I could never love my wife the way God does. I could never love my mom, or my dad, or my sister, they way their heavenly Father does.
This is the main thing I forget through out my week. It might be the core struggle of my faith in general. Its that mechanism inside my heart that is always asking “who is going to take care of me?” I am so impatient and when I don’t see my wants come to fruition I just assume its because I am not loved. I know its so far from the truth.
… I finish the Karis internship on Sunday. That is cool.
K those are all my thoughts for now.